I'm not getting younger

It's quite easy for our minds to lie dormant, almost comatose.
We make our peace with our society and the way things are destined to proceed and one of the truisms of life has always made me sigh in amazement - things turn out well in the end.

"Everything will be alright in the end; if it's not alright it's not the end."

The pursuit of wealth, comforts, social happiness and belonging does not allow one to leave one's surroundings; this inertia gains strength as we age and as we find ourselves mired in the realm of attachment.

I'm not getting younger and I'm afraid that a few years from now, I will have lost a small bit of my independence - the freedom to pack my bag and leave without due notice.

Youth is wasted on the young for this precise reason, the young ache to grow old and once there, they moan in disbelief. I leave for the US next week - the land that had freed me from set stains in my mind - and even now I ache to see that land. It's not all amazing; of course it has its drawbacks (the lack of streetfood por ejemplo) but it's about the freedom to pursue individual dreams. The freedom does not imply the plausibility but only the possibility of trying.

Today, I feel that I have not lived enough and I believe that the confines of this city will not allow me to grow my spiritual tentacles. It may be termed as the pursuit of happiness, but it is far from it.

It is the thrill of something new - "The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences."
I hope to move to another town for a month or two in the upcoming monsoons. And I hope that I have the courage to do so. It just might be the Malabar Coast.

I'm not getting younger and it may be time that I seize this opportunity. I don't want to wait for my 30s because I don't know if I will get there. A few years from now, I may not be able to live alone for a prolonged period of time.
I believe that there are joys to the innumerable sides of the sphere that is our lives; may be my attitude needs to be managed, but may be I should go berserk before I am forced to manage it. 

Why must I live in Mumbai?

We don't like change, we tend to prefer that with which we are accustomed. I was born in Mumbai and have been living here for more than 25 years - which reminds me that I am getting older - and oddly, I can't think of another place where I would happily move to... Sure, I may think in dreamy terms of a better city, but the massive upheaval that would ensue were I to move away is quite daunting.

This city is bursting at its seams, in-seams and even through the patchwork and fabric that makes this city what it is. Quality of life is rather poor on an absolute scale and one wonders why one ought to keep living in a city with which one is so familiar. Sure, there is great comfort in knowing one's surroundings, sub-culture and the general pace and flow of things.

But I want the ability to cycle at 6 pm on a Sunday. It's a simple desire, which if unmet will leave me mildly pricked, nothing more.
The industrial age norm of working 9 am to 5 pm has somehow transformed itself to 9 am to 7 pm because of an overpopulated and hyper-competitive country - and people take it for granted because there really is nothing that one can do to challenge that; it's how the capitalist system works. Survival of the fittest.
A repercussion of a long work day and a Saturday being included as a work day is a spill-over effect on people who work fewer hours - they are envied, ridiculed and laughed at. And that is OK. But it is poisonous. It is akin to straight people looking at gay people and saying that the gays are wrong. Funnily, it works the other way round too.

But why is it so difficult to think of leaving one's home? One's 'own' city?
I want to.
For a peaceful neighbourhood, for proximity to nature, for a more sparsely populated city, where individual rights are respected, where I can feel safe with whoever my family will be, where power is relatively even and it is still a city.

Don't know how people can afford a 2 Cr home here and be afraid of moving to a smaller, cheaper, nicer city? I have the question, don't have the answer.

The Brink

It's only on the brink that people find the will to change.

There is something wrong about this particular headline for this article:

Walmart Out Of Guns As Americans Race For Arms After Newtown

A few days ago, a crazed just-out-of-his-teens gunman gunned down some kids in an elementary school in Connecticut. It's odd that some people in the first world country have access to things like that... they have access because the Republicans say, Hey! the criminals have guns - we have to protect ourselves... reminds me of Clint Eastwood from Gran Torino. So, some people believe that finally, the US will be forced to do something about the sale of semi-automatic and automatic weapons...

A few days ago, a girl was 'gang-raped' in a moving bus in, where else, Delhi while her boyfriend/ friend was attacked. Some of the suspects have been caught and have supposedly pleaded guilty to some crimes. 

Now, rapes have been a part of Indian history for a long time; fortunately, women's rights have grown off late and the stigma attached to rape and to a girl's 'izzat' or honour have given way to women demanding that they be respected and that Indian men learn how to respect a lady.

My belief is that South India has, in general, been better at this than North India; there are historical, cultural and educational reasons for this. Anyway, we are now witnessing massive outrage across India and especially in Delhi with respect to the police and the administration's apathy.

Experiences are littered with the police themselves being lecherous, may be because people in power often feel powerful (obvious as it may seem), and with general apathy in addition to a social incarceration of the lady/ girl/ woman who has been molested or raped. 

What is it about the male human that makes him want to assert his dominance and fulfill his sexual urges which find an outlet within minutes? Is it that some humans are incapable of respecting another's life? I also believe that our social and cultural upbringing plays a massive role in who we grow up to become...

When Indian movies have been glamourising rape, molestation, the passing of lewd remarks and the objectification of women with terms such as 'chhamiya', 'chhmakchhallo', 'maal' - what is the viewing populace to believe? Then again, why do movies do this? May be they pick it up from social reality? There was a time, in Mumbai, when it was considered reasonable for a guy to whistle at an attractive looking girl - luckily, the Mumbai girl has become self-righteous or may be the guys in questions have been shamed to believing that such behaviour is not acceptable. 

In North India, there is something such as 'tot' - which I think is used when refering to a girl who looks attractive. I had seen this video some months ago and was horrified that while I found it amusing, it was also quite disturbing - how is society capable of accepting something like... "Mast kudi hai... uttha lengey." "Really nice girl... we will pick her up."

All in all, I believe that a society which tolerates untoward behaviour will spawn people who believe in the objectification of women and who are not afraid of showcasing their muscle power through threats like, "Tu jaanta nahi mera baap kaun hai." Mumbai-ites often make fun of such Delhi behaviour because we fail to understand how such a vast society could behave in such a way... It is wrong of me to compare Mumbai to Delhi when Mumbai too has plenty of drawbacks.

In Singapore, drug-traffickers are threatened with capital punishment. It is a form of legal deterrent. The threat of being able to execute such a sentence would prevent people from indulging in anti-social behaviour.

In India, there has been a gradual degradation of order in society because capitalism and nepotism has allowed those in power to throw their weight around - richer folk get off with murder, while the poorer are beaten up by the police for petty thieving.

___________________

And what is with the sexual starvation throughout the country? Why is the word 'condom' censored on TV at times? A society which is as diverse as India's cannot be governed by one set of social regulators.

After all this, I often wonder why people are hell bent on producing kids in a country which does not value them. And after the kids have been popped out, why must the upbringing be so poor, where a girl will rarely feel safe and a guy will be sexually stoked, where the law is subjective, where bureaucrats and government officials have the liberty of pushing us about. It is sad enough for a man to witness a loved one be teased, touched, molested or raped - imagine what parents go through when their own children are not safe. Not safe, not because of their own behaviour (I refer to the first world where people indulge in unlawful activities for fun) but because of the behaviour of somebody else who sees no harm in inflicting fear and pain on another...

Power

Brute force used to be strength in the olden days, and this was across all living life. There was also strength in the threat of force, the threat of ruin, the threat of damnation.
Capitalism changed things. It brought disparity and the sense of achievement; the thought that one could rise up the ranks regardless of genes - and it was a noble concept. Simultaneously, there was communism. For certain reasons, communism died and capitalism thrived; capitalism spread throughout the planet with small tumors of socialism within communities/ countries.

A few days ago, I was travelling by autorickshaw to my dentist and at the signal junction I saw a filthy man, clothed and on the ground. He was drunk out of his mind (or high); there was nobody there to help him. And I thought to myself, 'shouldn't I help him?' And then my thoughts went through a torrent of information.... may be the guy might hurt me if I try to help him... why should I help someone who does not care for himself? Why is he in this state? No, I don't want to help him because I have a life to take care of and that is my own. When I returned to that spot 2 hours later, he was still there. Passed out or dead. I did not care.

Yesterday, a person whom I know was driving his car and a drunk guy fell on the car while crossing the road. My friend was scared and luckily the madding crowd was not too mad yesterday - they told the cops that my friend was not at fault. Bureaucracy ensued and after a while, my friend left the scene. But it haunts him and it haunts me.

It is unfathomable, how one would feel if one knocks a guy over while driving. It is a classic case of rich v/s poor, the haves v/s the have-nots.

There is something wrong in this world where a human can spend USD 20 on a meal and drinks and another can't afford USD 2 on a meal. People in power do all that they can to stay in power and people who don't have the power will do near anything to attain that power. That is capitalism and that is the current state of affairs. Luckily, people have started caring about the less unfortunate - it's a start.

I am continually haunted by the quality of life, which, after 100s and 1000s of years of change is, may be, at its peak and yet, there are people who do not have access to clean water, clean food and sanitation. May be this world has had enough of humans.

For now, I continue living my life. I am lucky to be alive and healthy but I can't come to terms with the power of the powerful. A civil uprising should be at hand...

Susegaad

"15 years ago, you should've seen Goa - it was actual Susegaad... things are different now man." This is what Patrick said to me as he drove me on his scooter from his hotel to my friend's hotel; I had my big suitcase in my lap while I saw Goa fly past me.
"We would walk in the fields, go fishing, people would pay when they liked, sleep when they liked... it was really nice. I don't know what you guys do in Bombay..."
"Work all day, no time for sunlight, no time for the waves, no time to spend the money, more money than is needed and everything is expensive there...".

A cabbie by the name of Ashok who drove me from Ashwem to Mapusa was saying the same stuff... "Every 5 minutes you have a traffic light, no place to walk... people from Goa can never live there and you guys can never live here."

An unknown semi-American dude told me, "Man, I was with my friends from Bombay the other day, they are just so adverse."

Ravi, the clothes salesman told me as we sipped on chai while seated on the stony floor, "You see this tree, this was a sapling when I put up my stall and I thought what's the use of cutting it... see how big it has become now." (He was speaking about a 3 year young coconut tree). "And you see that one, that is at least 7 years old."

I sat on the rocks at 7 am on my last day at Goa and I watched a few crabs hurry about.
I saw a bright orange and green comet/ shooting star as big as the moon one night.
I saw clouds merge over my head.
I saw a storm gather over the ocean in the distant.
And I said to myself, what a wonderful world it is, wasted as we stay in our concrete confines.

Sense

"All you seem to be doing is enjoying life!" - She said this with contempt based on a social acceptance that one needs to struggle through life and 'earn' the good stuff. All I could think of in response to that statement was, "What else is there?"

Reminds me of a friend who is now dead; he always seemed to be on the move - doing something new or exciting every other weekend. When I see myself not living up to the same kind of life it hurts at times, although I am pleased with the gradient of my progress. Cocoons are for caterpillars. Humans are for the Earth. 

The Invasion

I saw the movie The Invasion and as ridiculous as the movie is, it is thought-provoking. Humans are, seemingly, the only creatures who truly appreciate colour, art, design, music, emotions, intelligence, discovery, etc. When I sit at times and stare at the world around me I see how improbable it is that humans exist, how improbable it is that we are such a dominant species and how improbable it is that all of this is real.

When I say that, I immediately think of, 'Does it matter?'. Does it matter whether everything around us is real ? Would we be different if we were slaves inside a matrix? See, we wouldn't know would we?
Why is this post here? Because, the movie made me think of what humans would be with their humanity stolen... everybody systematic, everything in harmony, no emotions. You see, pleasantness is appreciated when the unpleasant phase is passed through. Happiness is appreciated when bad times are driven away. It is magical to be human and still so disgusting.

We spend our time in atrocious ways and it saddens me deeply. I was happy when I spoke to my American friend the other day and he told me about his 8 day hike to the summit of Mt. Whitney in California. He works for ADM but he loves the rough life, may be it's a great escape to that which is actually real. I have written about the futility of life earlier and this movie reminded me of how precious humanity can be. I miss my crazy laughter. When did you last get out of your city and see something utterly gorgeous? When were you last truly alone?

The Tank Man

The tank man. After the division that had begun and was continued, through aristocracies, the capitalistic world seemed on its way towards greater prosperity. But off late, it seems to me that the division is growing wider.
The tank man stands as an anonymous hero representing the human spirit. I see the conditions under which ordinary 'urban' Indians live their lives; prosperity has been seen but infrastructure is woeful and it also seems as though we Indian really can't do anything to change the way the government is treating us. Isn't there something woefully despicable about this previous statement?

This article has been well written and it talks about the mirage that is the democracy in China.
I see the world moving towards a sorry brink. Nutrition, sanitation and comforts are being spread across a more gentle curve which seems to be flattening out a little more. It makes me sad and I hope we find a way around the upcoming brink.

Unshackle

There is something horribly wrong about spending a large chunk of one's day on a computer as opposed to society-oriented work like film-making or reviewing art forms, but not something like cold-calling or boring marketing...
The glory of life is so easily shut out under numbing conditions like succumbing to a work-life. The pursuit of money and of filling up a day with something that is meant to be meaningful (and which very often isn't) may ruin me which is why I take steps to think rationally (something I hope I'm good at but am sure most are not).
Knowing what work can be in a place like Bombay, it pains me to see so many people enslaved, ignorant of the raw beauty of meeting somebody new or seeing something new or at least something different.
It is so easy (as I have seen myself there) to get engaged in a mundane activity which bears no real fruit - but in that moment, it means a lot. "I'm learning" or "I'm getting paid for this" or "I have to do this quickly so my boss is not unhappy with me".
I miss my vacation. It's time for another trip. Going next Friday :)

The Futility of it All

"We are fated to pretend" - MGMT
There is a monotony to life which was encapsulated well by an older man I once spoke to; he said, "Everyone lives like that, why does he think he can live differently."
As one grows older, and I have seen it with a few people, one tends to accept the flow of life and the fact that the ambitions and freedom of a younger age are momentary.
Too many people succumb and hopefully I (and you) don't look back with disgust at this post. Fighting is important and fighting the norm is crucial, it's what makes life - for humans, at least.
'Recreation' has an odd place in Indian diction; outings are social events and social events are largely mandatory.
There is a strong global movement of people going back to themselves and nature, to independence and solitude, to self-actualization and respite from the race - the race that has eaten the very essence of our desire to live.
The futility is in the pursuit of that extra unit of currency. It is a topic I think of ceaselessly and speak of continually. At the expense of hoarding more space on the internet I will say that making a living is essential but forgetting to live is sacrilege.
Earning a living becomes a habit and people refuse to look back or look away or step back to get a better view - the same society, the same neighbourhood, the same commute and yet people get by. Why? Because getting by is what everyone, and I mean everyone, does.

Some of my friends have lambasted my thoughts and/ or my actions for being outrageous or naive or privileged. Many believe that I am a 'wannabe' - with a negative connotation. But I am a wannabe with a whatever connotation. I want to be closer to nature, I want to experience a few of nature's showcases, I want to meet new people and I want to breathe some fresh air, I want to go for Oktoberfest in September of 2011 and I will find a way to go there.

I was writing yesterday, it's something I love; I wrote of limiting restrictions. I hate being answerable to a boss and may be that is a very Gujarati trait in me... I hope that I don't fall for a girl who is ever going to truly doubt my sincerity or restrict my simple desires for travel - that is a massive expectation. So I'm going to be single till I am 47 years old. Alas. Not something I want, which is why I will change my behaviour and limit my eccentricities.

This is an example of letting go of something glorious for something more glorious.
Somewhere, people have it all down in a weird way... "I will take 2-day break from office even though my boss hates it and I will go to Lonavala!!! There, I will eat at Smokin' Joes." Exaggeration - yes. Is it alright to be afraid of being frowned upon and ridiculed for being too carefree with life? Yes. Only because we live in a country where people are aggressive about attaining things - the competition is so fierce that one has to continually outperform. It's a miracle that the IT related jobs came to India, otherwise the pay scales used to be hilarious (They still are I should say).
People don't realise it often but they work for a pittance even though companies can afford something more wholesome for their employees. But people are commodities in India and hence, are not valued. It's something, I believe, that will never change.

So, do we accept this sitting down? We don't have much of a choice do we? Leaving the country is daunting - O with all the burden of family and marriage and Indian food and Indian customs.

My request to all the deadening souls out there - spend a little of what you are earning on something that will last you well. My friend exclaimed the other day, "What fool spends 15 Lac Rupees on a car??!!! - that's insane." And I thought, "Yes, it is. And that same person will think twice about buying a plane ticket to Goa for the weekend. That same person will be outraged at a proposition of spending Rs 50,000 for a vacation."
That is the sad reality of Indian behaviour. It's sad because there is a melancholic monotony to our lives.

For all its evils, I love India and I love what Indians are capable of enduring and creating. I hate the culture that values rote-learning and discipline. I hate the system that encourages paperwork and long lines. I hate the apathy that people have towards things more than 5 minutes away from them - I belong to this club.

I might have to endure terrible pain in the very near future - I might be diagnosed with cancer or suffer from a life-changing injury. I might become a pauper or I might lose my sight. I might have to suffer the loss of people close to me and may be this world ends in 2012. I might suffer from bronchitis or my liver might fail (I won't be able to have wine, bourbon or wheat beer then :( ). Is it wrong for me to want a little adventure and dream just a little? If it's not wrong for me then it isn't wrong for you.
Yes there are restrictions. But please put your foot down and find your spine. Rebellion is glorious. Pain is cruel. Rebel before you succumb.

The Tree of Life

Simple statements can influence us. I was watching the trailer of 'The Tree of Life' - a movie which looks promising. Towards the end of the trailer a voice says, "Unless you love, your life will flash by."

Think about it and kindly act on it.